Here’s some advice on what you can do if you have fallen into the wrong crowd or friends start doing things you don’t feel comfortable with.
Part of growing into adulthood is learning what our values are and figuring out what behaviours we are – and are not – happy with. However, people have very different values and views on all kinds of issues and activities. That even includes close friends.
Sometimes, you might find that a friend or group of friends start doing things you’re not comfortable with for some reason. This can range from things you feel slightly uneasy about to things you know are wrong or even dangerous.
But what do you do if that happens?
Talk to your friends
Your friends may not always listen. Or, even if they listen and respect your view, they might not agree or want to change the way they’re acting. But if your friends love and respect you, they won’t be upset or angry with you for telling them why their behaviour is upsetting you or making you uncomfortable.
If the problem is with one person, talk to them privately. If the problem is with a group, try talking one-to-one with the person in the group that you feel closest to.
Approach the conversation from an open-minded perspective and try not to judge your friend(s) too harshly. Instead, ask them why they’re doing the thing that makes you uncomfortable. Seek to understand what they get out of it and what lies beneath the behaviour. Then you can tell them why you don’t like it. This might be as simple as “I don’t like that you are [insert upsetting action] because I love you and I don’t want to see you get hurt.”
Remember that the only behaviour you can control is your own
It isn’t your job to fix your friends’ behaviour or make them act in a different way. The only person you have control over is yourself. While you can talk to your friends and explain why their actions make you uncomfortable, you can’t force them to act differently.
This might make you feel powerless at first, but it’s actually a very freeing fact to internalise. You can’t control your friends, so don’t drive yourself mad trying. Free yourself from that sense of obligation and focus on yourself.
Remember that you have to live with your decisions
It can be incredibly tempting to go along with whatever your friends are doing, even if you don’t like it or approve. But remember this: you’re the one who has to live with the consequences of your decisions. If you’re uncomfortable with something, there’s a good reason for that – your gut is telling you that something isn’t right.
Feeling accepted by your friends and being “one of the gang” can feel like it’s everything. But in the end, living up to your own values and standards is more important than anyone else’s acceptance or approval. The reality is that friends come and go throughout our lifetimes, but you will always have to live with yourself.
Spend time with other friends
If a friend or group of friends starts behaving in ways you don’t like, sometimes the best thing to do can be to take a bit of distance from them. This doesn’t mean you have to ditch them completely if you don’t want to. But it’s okay to spend less time with people whose behaviour you don’t like, or to only spend time with them in environments that are more comfortable (like school or doing a shared hobby.)
If you don’t have many other friends, it’s never too late to meet new people and build new friendships. What’s something you have always wanted to try but have never got around to? Joining a sports club, taking a language class, or getting involved in theatre or music are just a few fun, sociable activities where you can meet others who share your interests.
Seeking help isn’t “telling tales”
If your friends are doing things you’re not comfortable with, it might be time to seek some outside help from a supportive adult like a teacher, counsellor, or parent. This is especially true if your friends are doing something illegal or that is likely to cause harm to themselves or others. Think of it this way: your discomfort is trying to tell you something. And that might be that you love your friends and don’t want to see them harmed or doing something that could get them into serious trouble.
Asking for help and advice isn’t “tattling” or “telling tales.” So if you’re at a loss and worried, speak to an adult you trust in confidence. They’ll be able to give you some input on what to do next and, if a more serious intervention is needed, they’ll be better equipped to step in and handle it.
Now try this…
Think about the last time someone important to you did something you didn’t agree with. How did you act? Did you speak up? Are you happy with the way you behaved or do you wish you’d done something differently?
Ask yourself what you learned from the situation and how you can put it into practice next time a friend or group of friends starts doing something that makes you uncomfortable.
